I have to admit that lately – for the past six months or so, if I’m totally honest – I’ve been feeling incredibly lost.  I tend to be one of those people who sets a goal and works toward it with a single-minded approach that often bewilders or astonishes others.

For the past couple of years I haven’t been reaching my goals at all.  Graduate school?  I burnt out on academia to the point of no return.  Peace Corps?  I got so close and at the final review was rejected for health concerns.  Both of these were huge disappointments for me.  After not achieving something I had set out to do and rearranged my life around for months twice, I felt like I had lost my internal compass and didn’t have any chance of finding true North ever again.

In spite of this, these last nine months I had a personal, private objective that only a few people knew about.  I had a calendar and outline and everything (yes, I am one of those people).  Then, about two months ago, the floor got yanked out from under me and I’ve been floundering since.  I really didn’t know where to go or what to do and have been treading water for weeks now.

After feeling like a failure for the third time in a row (which is lovely, thank you), I’ve realised that goals are only important in life as motivating factors.  I shouldn’t judge myself (my friends and family certainly aren’t) for not reaching a destination on a course that I set for myself.

Now that I’ve come to this conclusion I think I might have a solution for my situation.  But that’s going to take a while and a whole lot of planning.  And, no, I’m not in any trouble.  Just… confused a bit.

So.  That’s that.  A friend recently commented that she was worried about me because I didn’t blog anymore.  Quite honestly, it’s because I haven’t known what to blog about.  It’s too pathetic to contemplate sharing another recent and painful failure, and I haven’t had much that I’ve wanted to post lately.

But I miss blogging.  I miss writing for me.  Not for work or some other ridiculous requirement, for me.  In light of this, I really am going to try and find my inner blogger again and start posting regularly.  It sucks to not know when things happened or have photos saved of important or special events.

Even if it’s only a paragraph and a photo and I lose all my subscribers because my blog has turned into something totally lame, I’m gonna do it.  For now, though, after sharing all this intimate and personal information in the most public way possible, I’m going to leave you with something quite awesome (to me, anyway) – the call of the Wood Duck.

Once highly endangered, Wood Ducks used to be quite rare in the wild and I never saw a live one (outside a zoo) until moving to Portland (our local park is home to several).  Living with a lifetime Audoboner, that’s saying something.  You should have seen my mother freaking out when we saw them swimming around the first time.  Anyway, when visiting the Rhododendron Garden last month, I was shocked to hear them calling to each other (they’re very shy and tend to avoid humans, even when we bring them seed), so I grabbed my camera a shot a movie.

They’re calls really are that squeaky.  You can also hear the geese (giant water-rats with wings around here) honking in the background… and my weird recorded voice at the end.  They (the water-rats with wings) pushed the Wood Ducks out eventually when they realised that we were throwing seed.   At which point we stopped.  They’re so pushy and will follow you around the garden until you feed them, it’s so annoying.

Well.  That’s all I have for now.  And, let’s be honest, this post was kind of a doozy.  I think next time we’ll go with something light – how about a new design, hrm?


  1. *hugs* I’m sorry to hear about the Peace Corps; I had been wondering about that.

    I am glad to hear you are alive, though. We need to get together and hang out again. I work over in your neck of the woods (sorta) now! I’m at Jaciva’s on Hawthorne and 48th.

    Drop me a line when you feel like getting together. I’ve been wanting to start a new corset now for a while, but I’ve been lacking in motivation. And, frankly, my husband (I got married!) sucks as a fitter.


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